Beautifully and very sensitively written, Kate. We can feel the understanding and compassion in your writing.
Being a mother is a most wonderful experience but also fraught with anxiety and doubt. If we see anything amiss we are quick to blame ourselves. Do fathers dwell on these worries as much? Maybe as women, it’s something we talk about more.
As someone once said to me, the perfect parent has not yet been born. I have always kept this in mind.
Blue Nights was one of the first memoirs I read when contemplating writing one of my own. It has stayed with me to an almost shocking degree. I just can’t get over the sheer audacity and bravery of laying herself bare over such a shattering personal loss, and on top of that using it as an opportunity to publicly excavate her own perceived failures at parenting. Besides which, it’s a gorgeous book. Every new revelation is devastating, yet I couldn’t deny the pure pleasure of reading her beautiful sentences.
Thank you for this essay. I finished this book a couple of weeks ago and am still mulling things through, feeling I don't have much -- or rather not enough and not the right things -- to say. Motherhood either sinks under its idealized visions or is torn to shreds by criticisms of real mother's words and actions. The difficulty of writing about it without falling into either extreme is palpable. And, of course, Didion's pain leads her to the latter -- at times her self-questioning is difficult to bear. The reader wants to comfort her but it's impossible, of course.
Thank you, Milena, you really seem to have had a similar experience to me when reading the book. And I think as I stated in my essay, I have found it harder this time around, I think, because both myself and my kids are older, so it is easier to find some of my own fears in Didion's self-questioning. As you so astutely point out, her self-questioning is incredibly difficult to witness.
What a touching piece. I bet it was such a different experience, reading it for the first time and reading it now. It’s fascinating how different books can seem depending on when they come to us. I think it’s touching to read how Joan Didion struggled with the same thing many parents do. It sounds like this re-read was a difficult but insightful experience. Thank you for sharing x
Thank you so much 💓 it was such a different experience! I know what you mean, you can read the same book several times and get a totally different perspective from it each time. The wonders of reading!📚
An excellent essay, Kate. I agree Blue Nights, which I loved when I read it a few years ago, is a heartbreaking, as is The Year of Magical Thinking, for me an even better book. Maybe it's because Didion's prose is hypnotically good or because her circumstances were so different from my own, but I didn't reflect much on my parenting as I read it (I guess I do enough of that anyway). Instead, both books seem to me like beautiful poems about the radical "is-ness" of the world. We can try to mould it with our minds or emotions, but it stubbornly refuses to take the shape we want it to.
Thanks, Jeffrey! I also think Magical Thinking is the slightly better book; I remember coming away from it thinking she had done something remarkable with the topic of grief that I hadn't read before. I came to it not long after Iosing my mother and found it strangely comforting rather than sad. Blue Nights however broke my heart!
I was waiting to read this as I started The Year of Magical Thinking and was debating buying Blue Nights. I assumed (correctly) your thoughts would cement my feelings, and I just finished TYOMT last night so I knew today I was going to read this. And I’m so glad I did! I knew you were going to knock this out of the park, and that’s exactly what you did. I’m not a mother, so I can’t relate to Didion’s concerns over how she may or may not have failed her daughter, but I’m always so drawn into her words. As always, you’ve added to my tbr list! My heart is grateful, but my wallet is not haha!
Kate, thank you for writing this. It is such a devastating book... and I thought so reading it before I was even a parent. Your thoughts on it so perfectly capture the anguish of being a parent but also the anguish of baring witness to Joan Didion's honesty. At times you can't help but think what a naive asshole she was through all of it... but then again, you know that she was an asshole because she described herself that way. That critical self-awareness is so hard to wrestle with.
It's been a while since I've read Blue Nights... and reading your notes, I keep wondering... where is John in all of that? Even though Joan clearly worships him - as evidenced by her writing everywhere - but he kind of strikes me as completely self-important and uninvolved as a partner and a parent. Am I making this up?
Thank you, Petya. I know…I find him kind of strangely absent in her reflections and in the ways she remembers how she could have maybe been better. She doesn't seem to consider that there were two parents involved. Perhaps she is simply reflecting the ways in which women (mothers) so often take the brunt of the blame.
Yes, and certainly... it's generational. But also... the Lily Pulitizer dress comment made me remember that she is actually quite conservative... I was just reading in a an interview with her that she used to identify as a Republican (later she re-labeled as a libertarian), which shocked me but also... makes sense in retrospect.
Thank you Kate, this sounds like a fascinating book. After reading your post, I feel called to it but know what I would find it very difficult to read. I entirely relate to the fear and new concept of mortality since being a mother, it is tender, painful and heart swelling in equal measure xx
Beautifully and very sensitively written, Kate. We can feel the understanding and compassion in your writing.
Being a mother is a most wonderful experience but also fraught with anxiety and doubt. If we see anything amiss we are quick to blame ourselves. Do fathers dwell on these worries as much? Maybe as women, it’s something we talk about more.
As someone once said to me, the perfect parent has not yet been born. I have always kept this in mind.
Thank you so much, Maureen. So true; we are often our own harshest critic as mothers. Your final statement is very true.
Blue Nights was one of the first memoirs I read when contemplating writing one of my own. It has stayed with me to an almost shocking degree. I just can’t get over the sheer audacity and bravery of laying herself bare over such a shattering personal loss, and on top of that using it as an opportunity to publicly excavate her own perceived failures at parenting. Besides which, it’s a gorgeous book. Every new revelation is devastating, yet I couldn’t deny the pure pleasure of reading her beautiful sentences.
Absolutely agree, Sarah. She was a brave writer who never seemed to shy away from the big questions, even if that meant questioning her own behaviour.
Thank you for this essay. I finished this book a couple of weeks ago and am still mulling things through, feeling I don't have much -- or rather not enough and not the right things -- to say. Motherhood either sinks under its idealized visions or is torn to shreds by criticisms of real mother's words and actions. The difficulty of writing about it without falling into either extreme is palpable. And, of course, Didion's pain leads her to the latter -- at times her self-questioning is difficult to bear. The reader wants to comfort her but it's impossible, of course.
Thank you, Milena, you really seem to have had a similar experience to me when reading the book. And I think as I stated in my essay, I have found it harder this time around, I think, because both myself and my kids are older, so it is easier to find some of my own fears in Didion's self-questioning. As you so astutely point out, her self-questioning is incredibly difficult to witness.
What a touching piece. I bet it was such a different experience, reading it for the first time and reading it now. It’s fascinating how different books can seem depending on when they come to us. I think it’s touching to read how Joan Didion struggled with the same thing many parents do. It sounds like this re-read was a difficult but insightful experience. Thank you for sharing x
Thank you so much 💓 it was such a different experience! I know what you mean, you can read the same book several times and get a totally different perspective from it each time. The wonders of reading!📚
An excellent essay, Kate. I agree Blue Nights, which I loved when I read it a few years ago, is a heartbreaking, as is The Year of Magical Thinking, for me an even better book. Maybe it's because Didion's prose is hypnotically good or because her circumstances were so different from my own, but I didn't reflect much on my parenting as I read it (I guess I do enough of that anyway). Instead, both books seem to me like beautiful poems about the radical "is-ness" of the world. We can try to mould it with our minds or emotions, but it stubbornly refuses to take the shape we want it to.
Thanks, Jeffrey! I also think Magical Thinking is the slightly better book; I remember coming away from it thinking she had done something remarkable with the topic of grief that I hadn't read before. I came to it not long after Iosing my mother and found it strangely comforting rather than sad. Blue Nights however broke my heart!
I was waiting to read this as I started The Year of Magical Thinking and was debating buying Blue Nights. I assumed (correctly) your thoughts would cement my feelings, and I just finished TYOMT last night so I knew today I was going to read this. And I’m so glad I did! I knew you were going to knock this out of the park, and that’s exactly what you did. I’m not a mother, so I can’t relate to Didion’s concerns over how she may or may not have failed her daughter, but I’m always so drawn into her words. As always, you’ve added to my tbr list! My heart is grateful, but my wallet is not haha!
Haha, I know what you mean…I read about so many great books on here that I could just keep spending…
Thank you so much for your kind words, Luka. It is such a beautifully written book; no word is wasted. As is Magical Thinking.
Kate, thank you for writing this. It is such a devastating book... and I thought so reading it before I was even a parent. Your thoughts on it so perfectly capture the anguish of being a parent but also the anguish of baring witness to Joan Didion's honesty. At times you can't help but think what a naive asshole she was through all of it... but then again, you know that she was an asshole because she described herself that way. That critical self-awareness is so hard to wrestle with.
It's been a while since I've read Blue Nights... and reading your notes, I keep wondering... where is John in all of that? Even though Joan clearly worships him - as evidenced by her writing everywhere - but he kind of strikes me as completely self-important and uninvolved as a partner and a parent. Am I making this up?
Thank you, Petya. I know…I find him kind of strangely absent in her reflections and in the ways she remembers how she could have maybe been better. She doesn't seem to consider that there were two parents involved. Perhaps she is simply reflecting the ways in which women (mothers) so often take the brunt of the blame.
Yes, and certainly... it's generational. But also... the Lily Pulitizer dress comment made me remember that she is actually quite conservative... I was just reading in a an interview with her that she used to identify as a Republican (later she re-labeled as a libertarian), which shocked me but also... makes sense in retrospect.
Thank you Kate, this sounds like a fascinating book. After reading your post, I feel called to it but know what I would find it very difficult to read. I entirely relate to the fear and new concept of mortality since being a mother, it is tender, painful and heart swelling in equal measure xx