Wow. Thank you, Kate. As the saying goes, “if it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.” As a mom and stepmom and grandmother, mothering seems to be a Goldilocks problem…not too hot, not too cold, just right. A deep question for me now as my adult children are in their 40’s and 50’s is how might we find our way into being real with one another? When I was their age, I had no curiosity about my parents. I was mostly focused on how they impacted my life as I sought autobiographical coherence. Now that my parents are long gone, there’s so much I wish I had explored with them. I’m hopeful that we can shift from pathologizing ourselves and others to having compassion for our humanness.
Thank you, Sandra, and yes, it seems the goal posts are always moving when it comes to mothering. I think it’s wonderful that you want to deepen your connections to your adult children. One of the most genuine pleasures of being a parent (so far) has been the relationship my children as they get older; the ways we share commonalities or differences and how we learn from one another. My kids (25 and 18) are constantly teaching me about life! It never ends.
I posted below but have been following up since with the Gregg shorthand transcriptions and Catherine Rankovic's extensive work on Aurelia. This might interest you on the current Wales Book of the Year shortlist - a very brave book from a wonderful bilingual writer Gwyneth Lewis. She was Wales' first Poet Laureate and they are her words that you see on the Senedd building in Cardiff Bay. http://gwynethlewis.com/site/nightshade-mother-a-disentangling/
Fascinating that you have followed up on Virginia & Leonard with Sylvia Plath. With a friend who works with abused women, we have been reading and talking about Sylvia and Ted a lot recently. Your piece adds another very useful dimension. (I was a psychiatric nurse by training.) You write "even worries over her own capabilities of mothering", so far from home with the figure of Olwyn and Ted's other women challenging her constantly. Cambridge, the bluestocking's own city - Girton and Newnham (I grew up in Cambridge). Sylvia didn't give herself time to resolve her issues. Ariel / Aurelia, up at dawn writing, the dawn of her family life with Ted who she so loved. Ted so invested in wilful destruction of women, rabbits in his gin trap. I wonder how much Aurelia must have worried about her daughter with the man she had chosen. I highly recommend Jacqueline Rose's essay on Sylvia in On Being Able to Sleep and her full book (which Ted and Olwyn hated), The Haunting of Sylvia Plath. Jacqueline Rose is a psychotherapist and is Professor of Humanities at Birkbeck. She is excellent on Virginia too.
Thank you for your insightful comments, Mandi. Yes...my research into Aurelia and Sylvia is ongoing and it feels clear that Aurelia must have worried over her daughter's choice of husband given her vulnerable mental health, especially being so far away. It's heartbreaking in her last letters, when her mother is clearly trying to persuade her to come home with the children. I love the work of Jacqueline Rose!
What a fascinating essay! It’s so interesting to see how Aurelia Plath’s relationship to her daughter changed and evolved over time. We may never know what kind of mother she was to Sylvia, but it’s clear that nothing is ever black or white. Human relationships are all very complex. Great research - can’t wait to read more :)
Really enjoyed this Kate, thought-provoking (and in the case of much of the damned if you, damned if you don't research, just plain provoking) and well-researched. Definitely keen to get hold of the Urzaiz book, so thanks again for putting that on my radar.
Thank you, Claire. Yes- you literally couldn't win! Definitely read the book; such an interesting and well-rounded study (and really accessible, to say how much she must have researched it).
Excellent essay, Kate! 👏 Mothers are hugely important as to child development/health, and an easy target for blame. I like to think of mothers as first among equals, the others being fathers, peers and culture (in that order as the child grows). I think culture deserves a lot more blame for human misery than it gets, but it's less easy to see and point at than good ole Mom.
Thank you, Baird! I think you're spot on there. As your kids grow and move out into the world, you can really see the pull that peers and culture have on them, and there's so much to worry about out there!
Loved this. Totally relate to the mother-guilt, sadly it does go on. Autism was/is also blamed on emotionally „distant“ mothers. Too little support and understanding is given to the complex situations young mothers can find themselves in.
Thank you, I'm glad it resonated. I think it's such a complex issue, and I totally agree re support for young mothers. I'd definitely recommend the Urzaiz book, which looks at some fascinating related issues both of the past and present, such as the rise of the "Momluencer."
If it were only so clear cut and dry, but it's not. It's complicated. There is not fault, only interactions.
Absolutely, so many different circumstances and nuances as well. Thank you for reading.
Thank you for your research and insights.
Isn’t everyone messed up to some extent?
I agree with the psychologist Oliver James in that parenting is very much an exercise in damage limitation.
For sure! Like the old Philip Larkin verse, "They f**k you up, your mum and dad" 😄
Wow. Thank you, Kate. As the saying goes, “if it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.” As a mom and stepmom and grandmother, mothering seems to be a Goldilocks problem…not too hot, not too cold, just right. A deep question for me now as my adult children are in their 40’s and 50’s is how might we find our way into being real with one another? When I was their age, I had no curiosity about my parents. I was mostly focused on how they impacted my life as I sought autobiographical coherence. Now that my parents are long gone, there’s so much I wish I had explored with them. I’m hopeful that we can shift from pathologizing ourselves and others to having compassion for our humanness.
Thank you, Sandra, and yes, it seems the goal posts are always moving when it comes to mothering. I think it’s wonderful that you want to deepen your connections to your adult children. One of the most genuine pleasures of being a parent (so far) has been the relationship my children as they get older; the ways we share commonalities or differences and how we learn from one another. My kids (25 and 18) are constantly teaching me about life! It never ends.
I posted below but have been following up since with the Gregg shorthand transcriptions and Catherine Rankovic's extensive work on Aurelia. This might interest you on the current Wales Book of the Year shortlist - a very brave book from a wonderful bilingual writer Gwyneth Lewis. She was Wales' first Poet Laureate and they are her words that you see on the Senedd building in Cardiff Bay. http://gwynethlewis.com/site/nightshade-mother-a-disentangling/
This is so interesting! Thank you for drawing my attention to it, Mandi.
Such an important discussion and excellent insights here - thank you, Kate! 💮
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed 😀
Fascinating that you have followed up on Virginia & Leonard with Sylvia Plath. With a friend who works with abused women, we have been reading and talking about Sylvia and Ted a lot recently. Your piece adds another very useful dimension. (I was a psychiatric nurse by training.) You write "even worries over her own capabilities of mothering", so far from home with the figure of Olwyn and Ted's other women challenging her constantly. Cambridge, the bluestocking's own city - Girton and Newnham (I grew up in Cambridge). Sylvia didn't give herself time to resolve her issues. Ariel / Aurelia, up at dawn writing, the dawn of her family life with Ted who she so loved. Ted so invested in wilful destruction of women, rabbits in his gin trap. I wonder how much Aurelia must have worried about her daughter with the man she had chosen. I highly recommend Jacqueline Rose's essay on Sylvia in On Being Able to Sleep and her full book (which Ted and Olwyn hated), The Haunting of Sylvia Plath. Jacqueline Rose is a psychotherapist and is Professor of Humanities at Birkbeck. She is excellent on Virginia too.
On Not Being Able to Sleep, Vintage 2004
Thank you for your insightful comments, Mandi. Yes...my research into Aurelia and Sylvia is ongoing and it feels clear that Aurelia must have worried over her daughter's choice of husband given her vulnerable mental health, especially being so far away. It's heartbreaking in her last letters, when her mother is clearly trying to persuade her to come home with the children. I love the work of Jacqueline Rose!
What a fascinating essay! It’s so interesting to see how Aurelia Plath’s relationship to her daughter changed and evolved over time. We may never know what kind of mother she was to Sylvia, but it’s clear that nothing is ever black or white. Human relationships are all very complex. Great research - can’t wait to read more :)
Thanks! 💕 I loved researching this, so fascinating.
Really enjoyed this Kate, thought-provoking (and in the case of much of the damned if you, damned if you don't research, just plain provoking) and well-researched. Definitely keen to get hold of the Urzaiz book, so thanks again for putting that on my radar.
Thank you, Claire. Yes- you literally couldn't win! Definitely read the book; such an interesting and well-rounded study (and really accessible, to say how much she must have researched it).
If it's not one thing, it's your mother. 😉
Excellent essay, Kate! 👏 Mothers are hugely important as to child development/health, and an easy target for blame. I like to think of mothers as first among equals, the others being fathers, peers and culture (in that order as the child grows). I think culture deserves a lot more blame for human misery than it gets, but it's less easy to see and point at than good ole Mom.
Thank you, Baird! I think you're spot on there. As your kids grow and move out into the world, you can really see the pull that peers and culture have on them, and there's so much to worry about out there!
Loved this. Totally relate to the mother-guilt, sadly it does go on. Autism was/is also blamed on emotionally „distant“ mothers. Too little support and understanding is given to the complex situations young mothers can find themselves in.
Thank you, I'm glad it resonated. I think it's such a complex issue, and I totally agree re support for young mothers. I'd definitely recommend the Urzaiz book, which looks at some fascinating related issues both of the past and present, such as the rise of the "Momluencer."
I will definitely pick up a copy!