This was so well done, Kate. You really captured such a complicated dynamic so well, and gave full breadth and depth to Aurelia, which is so rarely done. I can see both 'sides' - as a mother it gives me a shock of terror knowing how my own daughters could rail against me someday, whether in therapy or art! Our parents' decisions, though often well intentioned, can have enormous psychic consequences. You can see how with the 'convenience' of a 'colossal' dead parent in the form of Otto Plath, Sylvia came to see Aurelia as the punching bag for all her rage. I think it's also clear that there was an unclear path for normal rebellion available to Sylvia.. With such a suffocatingly close relationship and so much 'owed' to her mother I think the usual separation needed during adolescence was difficult to obtain. All that being said I truly do have enormous sympathy for Aurelia who I think comes off as mostly immensely confused by her brilliant and angry daughter. I do honestly think she loved her very much and did her best. But I also see Sylvia NEEDED to separate herself somehow! So much to think about here!
Thank you so much! That means a lot. I wanted to really explore both sides of what was clearly a complicated relationship. As a devoted Sylvia fan, it would be easy to say her mother's attitude suffocated her, but I think that's too simplistic. What comes across in Letters Home is Aurelia's incomprehensible sadness at her daughter's attitude towards her. It's too hard to say whether Sylvia would have always struggled as she did regardless of Aurelia's choices. But yes - I think we all worry about how our grown kids will view us! (Mine are 19 and 26 now, and no signs of disturbing poetry yet!!)
When I read some of my journals from adolescence and early adulthood, I sometimes describe my mother as some kind of horror I needed to escape. Because we lived long lives, quite soon - about the age Plath suicided - we became incredibly close. We lived next door to each other for years, up until her death. I still "talk" with her in my mind. And yeah, she answers.
Yes that's what struck me as saddest about all this. It seems very likely that their relationship might have settled down into a calmer mutual appreciation in time if she'd lived longer. I think it's pretty normal for a woman to reassess their own mother's attitude and decisions as their children grow up, and though Sylvia Plath was obviously herself exceptionally talented, and in that sense unusual, the psychology of all this doesn't really seem unusual at all, it all seems pretty much what you might expect given the personalities and circumstances involved.
I only encountered Sylvia Plath in smatterings during my studies, but I found your study of the mother-daughter relationship fascinating. Mothers bear so much, fairly and unfairly. It's easy to relate to Aurelia's spirit and wish to give her children every opportunity to succeed. It's also easy to imagine that Sylvia had so many feelings she needed to process apart from her mother. What strikes me most though is the two camps---"let's talk about this and work through it" and "let's pretend none of this happened and keep marching." I find these two camps throughout my own family history. We each have the choice of how to manage the things that happen to us and because of us--I suspect I will always prefer cathartic venting as did Sylvia. Thanks for giving me much to think about--your study brings the issues to life and is sensitive to both sides.
Thank you for reading and your thoughtful comments, Elizabeth. I find mother’s and daughters endless fascinating, and the Plaths felt like the ideal place to start! I agree re Aurelia attempting to meet her family's every need, and it does seem that she could never win. But then, as you say, keeping those huge emotions inside was likely just too much.
This is a really good essay, Kate. I too read and re-read Plath's letters, poetry, various biographies about her, and everything I could find out about her childhood. Somewhere I even have a long essay I wrote that was published years ago. It was agonizing to me that Plath (and Sexton) died in such agony. Woolf too for that matter. I wanted my role models to survive and show me the path. However, reading this and the information about depression running in Otto's family, perhaps it's as "simple" as that. Plath's very successful marine biologist son also committed suicide in midlife. Being an overachiever, as many of us were and even are, does not mean we yearn to off ourselves. Or we may yearn at times but would never want to hurt others.
Thank you, Kirie. I also came to the conclusion that there are so many reasons for Plath to have suffered so badly with her mental health, but that she may simply have been prone to that regardless of other factors. She will continue to fascinate me and my research.
Kate, this was wonderful, and a very thoughtful analysis of a deeply complicated relationship. I first became interested in Plath when I was in high school back in the early 1970's, and began reading everything I could get my hands on about her life. As a teenager myself (and one with an overprotective mother at that!) I was quick to "blame" Aurelia for all the angst Sylvia experienced. Now, as the mother of a middle aged son, of course I have a greater appreciation for complexity of the parent-child relationship.
Aurelia faced enormous practical burdens, even before her husband's death, not the least of which was her sense of obligation about raising a brilliant child like Sylvia (especially a brilliant female child) in a time when brilliant women were not appreciated. It was also a time when mental illness was shrouded in shame and secrecy, with very little information was available to guide her in seeking treatment for Sylvia, or in how to relate to her in the most positive way.
This summer I'm making my way through Red Comet, the Short Life and Blazing Art of Sylvia Plath, by Heather Clark, (published in 2020). It's offering an in-depth look at Sylvia's personality that's further expanding my view of the relationship between these two women.
Thank you for this series, Kate! I look forward to reading future entries.
Thank you for reading, Becca, and for your thoughtful comments ❤️ I have also always been fascinated by Plath, particularly her poetry and The Bell Jar. I felt like I'd never heard a voice quite like hers when I first read it. It feels like her genius talent is almost eclipsed at times by her (short) life story. I haven't yet read Red Comet, although it is on my radar. If you haven't read it, I recommend Pain, Parties, Work, which is about her summer at Mademoiselle in New York.
This is such a fascinating, well-written piece! I can see both sides of the relationship, but I think the complexities of a mother-daughter relationship such as this will always be tough to fully understand. I loved your insight into the influence of Aurelia over Sylvia’s work
Kate have you read Mother Mary Comes to Me by Arundhati Roy? I'm halfway through it for my book group and my god - what a mother-daughter relationship. I don't know how Arundhati survived it, let alone became such a brilliant writer.
Oh I wasn’t comparing them. It was just a coincidence to read this post whilst also being immersed in Mother Mary. I’ve had. Nightshade Mother on my radar for a bit but I’ll need to find something more cheerful before I tackle Lewis!
I think you can compare them! There are similarities in the mother-daughter dynamic across time and cultures. I can certainly see elements of my own relationship with my mother in all three of these women. For a more cheerful read, I found Margaret Atwood's "A Memoir of Sorts" entertaining and life-affirming. And her relationship with her mother seems to have been great!
Happy to lend you the Atwood. Get some weight-training in first though, it's massive, and if you fall asleep reading in bed (as I often do) it will literally concuss you!
Arundhati survived by completely cutting herself off from her mother for a number of years. But it was easier for her than it would have been for Sylvia Plath, because Mary Roy was hyper-critical of her daughter, often to the point of outright hostility. Aurelia's self-sacrificing, suffocating support and would have been far harder to resist. As the first comment above says, Sylvia would have been unable to properly separate from her mother - a process that begins, or should begin, in very early childhood and gathers pace in adolescence. If the separation process fails, the child grows up not knowing who she (and it's usually she) really is or what she needs, making adult relationships a minefield. I don't share the optimism in some of the above comments that Sylvia and Aurelia would have reconciled in later life. As Gwyneth Lewis (whose book "Nightshade Mother" is another must-read) says: “You cannot forgive people who think they have done nothing wrong". Kate, please include both Arundhati Roy and Gwyneth Lewis in your forthcoming series!
Thank you for your engagement with the piece, Margi! The ideas around mothers and daughters are so and interesting. Thanks for the recommendations. I find these discussisons so illuminating 😊
learning from this piece: even if a man is extremely intellectual and appreciative of a woman's intelligence, doesn't mean he'd let his wife pursue work after marriage.
This was such an amazing read. I didn't know so many things, such as her mental health at such a young age and the challenging times she had to deal with. This piece is so deep and thoughtfully written, just sheer brilliance.
This is such an excellent analysis of the two Plath women. We hear so much about Sylvia but her mother also led a very interesting and challenging life. Thank you Kate for your equanimity and incisiveness.
There’s so much in here that I will keep thinking about for days. Examining this old story never gets old somehow. A genius writer made by both efforts and wounds. Nurture. Guilt. Nature. Well meaning. Suppressed emotions. What is a person really, what is a creative life? I don’t know. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for engaging with the essay, Charlotta. As you reflect, so many conflicting ideas and associations. I think, researching it, I felt like I flipped between all of these ideas.
This was so well done, Kate. You really captured such a complicated dynamic so well, and gave full breadth and depth to Aurelia, which is so rarely done. I can see both 'sides' - as a mother it gives me a shock of terror knowing how my own daughters could rail against me someday, whether in therapy or art! Our parents' decisions, though often well intentioned, can have enormous psychic consequences. You can see how with the 'convenience' of a 'colossal' dead parent in the form of Otto Plath, Sylvia came to see Aurelia as the punching bag for all her rage. I think it's also clear that there was an unclear path for normal rebellion available to Sylvia.. With such a suffocatingly close relationship and so much 'owed' to her mother I think the usual separation needed during adolescence was difficult to obtain. All that being said I truly do have enormous sympathy for Aurelia who I think comes off as mostly immensely confused by her brilliant and angry daughter. I do honestly think she loved her very much and did her best. But I also see Sylvia NEEDED to separate herself somehow! So much to think about here!
Thank you so much! That means a lot. I wanted to really explore both sides of what was clearly a complicated relationship. As a devoted Sylvia fan, it would be easy to say her mother's attitude suffocated her, but I think that's too simplistic. What comes across in Letters Home is Aurelia's incomprehensible sadness at her daughter's attitude towards her. It's too hard to say whether Sylvia would have always struggled as she did regardless of Aurelia's choices. But yes - I think we all worry about how our grown kids will view us! (Mine are 19 and 26 now, and no signs of disturbing poetry yet!!)
When I read some of my journals from adolescence and early adulthood, I sometimes describe my mother as some kind of horror I needed to escape. Because we lived long lives, quite soon - about the age Plath suicided - we became incredibly close. We lived next door to each other for years, up until her death. I still "talk" with her in my mind. And yeah, she answers.
Yes that's what struck me as saddest about all this. It seems very likely that their relationship might have settled down into a calmer mutual appreciation in time if she'd lived longer. I think it's pretty normal for a woman to reassess their own mother's attitude and decisions as their children grow up, and though Sylvia Plath was obviously herself exceptionally talented, and in that sense unusual, the psychology of all this doesn't really seem unusual at all, it all seems pretty much what you might expect given the personalities and circumstances involved.
Yes, I think adolescence in particular is such a difficult time, and we can often take it out on the people we're closest to, such as our mothers.
I only encountered Sylvia Plath in smatterings during my studies, but I found your study of the mother-daughter relationship fascinating. Mothers bear so much, fairly and unfairly. It's easy to relate to Aurelia's spirit and wish to give her children every opportunity to succeed. It's also easy to imagine that Sylvia had so many feelings she needed to process apart from her mother. What strikes me most though is the two camps---"let's talk about this and work through it" and "let's pretend none of this happened and keep marching." I find these two camps throughout my own family history. We each have the choice of how to manage the things that happen to us and because of us--I suspect I will always prefer cathartic venting as did Sylvia. Thanks for giving me much to think about--your study brings the issues to life and is sensitive to both sides.
Thank you for reading and your thoughtful comments, Elizabeth. I find mother’s and daughters endless fascinating, and the Plaths felt like the ideal place to start! I agree re Aurelia attempting to meet her family's every need, and it does seem that she could never win. But then, as you say, keeping those huge emotions inside was likely just too much.
This is a really good essay, Kate. I too read and re-read Plath's letters, poetry, various biographies about her, and everything I could find out about her childhood. Somewhere I even have a long essay I wrote that was published years ago. It was agonizing to me that Plath (and Sexton) died in such agony. Woolf too for that matter. I wanted my role models to survive and show me the path. However, reading this and the information about depression running in Otto's family, perhaps it's as "simple" as that. Plath's very successful marine biologist son also committed suicide in midlife. Being an overachiever, as many of us were and even are, does not mean we yearn to off ourselves. Or we may yearn at times but would never want to hurt others.
Thank you, Kirie. I also came to the conclusion that there are so many reasons for Plath to have suffered so badly with her mental health, but that she may simply have been prone to that regardless of other factors. She will continue to fascinate me and my research.
Kate, this was wonderful, and a very thoughtful analysis of a deeply complicated relationship. I first became interested in Plath when I was in high school back in the early 1970's, and began reading everything I could get my hands on about her life. As a teenager myself (and one with an overprotective mother at that!) I was quick to "blame" Aurelia for all the angst Sylvia experienced. Now, as the mother of a middle aged son, of course I have a greater appreciation for complexity of the parent-child relationship.
Aurelia faced enormous practical burdens, even before her husband's death, not the least of which was her sense of obligation about raising a brilliant child like Sylvia (especially a brilliant female child) in a time when brilliant women were not appreciated. It was also a time when mental illness was shrouded in shame and secrecy, with very little information was available to guide her in seeking treatment for Sylvia, or in how to relate to her in the most positive way.
This summer I'm making my way through Red Comet, the Short Life and Blazing Art of Sylvia Plath, by Heather Clark, (published in 2020). It's offering an in-depth look at Sylvia's personality that's further expanding my view of the relationship between these two women.
Thank you for this series, Kate! I look forward to reading future entries.
Thank you for reading, Becca, and for your thoughtful comments ❤️ I have also always been fascinated by Plath, particularly her poetry and The Bell Jar. I felt like I'd never heard a voice quite like hers when I first read it. It feels like her genius talent is almost eclipsed at times by her (short) life story. I haven't yet read Red Comet, although it is on my radar. If you haven't read it, I recommend Pain, Parties, Work, which is about her summer at Mademoiselle in New York.
Thank you for this piece. I learned so much. Truly fascinating!
Thanks, Lisa! It was so fascinating to research!
What an epic start to your series, Kate! I learned a lot from this.
Thanks so much, Nava! That means a lot 😊
This is such a fascinating, well-written piece! I can see both sides of the relationship, but I think the complexities of a mother-daughter relationship such as this will always be tough to fully understand. I loved your insight into the influence of Aurelia over Sylvia’s work
Thank you! ❤️ Yes...mothers and daughters can be tricky to navigate at times... 😉😘
😉 they make for excellent reading and writing material though! Excited to read more essays like this 😍
Kate have you read Mother Mary Comes to Me by Arundhati Roy? I'm halfway through it for my book group and my god - what a mother-daughter relationship. I don't know how Arundhati survived it, let alone became such a brilliant writer.
Oh I wasn’t comparing them. It was just a coincidence to read this post whilst also being immersed in Mother Mary. I’ve had. Nightshade Mother on my radar for a bit but I’ll need to find something more cheerful before I tackle Lewis!
I think you can compare them! There are similarities in the mother-daughter dynamic across time and cultures. I can certainly see elements of my own relationship with my mother in all three of these women. For a more cheerful read, I found Margaret Atwood's "A Memoir of Sorts" entertaining and life-affirming. And her relationship with her mother seems to have been great!
Ooh thank you. And Kate is doing Atwood for the short story salon this month so that’s a nice bit of serendipity!
Happy to lend you the Atwood. Get some weight-training in first though, it's massive, and if you fall asleep reading in bed (as I often do) it will literally concuss you!
Haha, sounds dangerous!! I may take you up when I've made my way through the current Bronte biography :)
Arundhati survived by completely cutting herself off from her mother for a number of years. But it was easier for her than it would have been for Sylvia Plath, because Mary Roy was hyper-critical of her daughter, often to the point of outright hostility. Aurelia's self-sacrificing, suffocating support and would have been far harder to resist. As the first comment above says, Sylvia would have been unable to properly separate from her mother - a process that begins, or should begin, in very early childhood and gathers pace in adolescence. If the separation process fails, the child grows up not knowing who she (and it's usually she) really is or what she needs, making adult relationships a minefield. I don't share the optimism in some of the above comments that Sylvia and Aurelia would have reconciled in later life. As Gwyneth Lewis (whose book "Nightshade Mother" is another must-read) says: “You cannot forgive people who think they have done nothing wrong". Kate, please include both Arundhati Roy and Gwyneth Lewis in your forthcoming series!
Thank you for your engagement with the piece, Margi! The ideas around mothers and daughters are so and interesting. Thanks for the recommendations. I find these discussisons so illuminating 😊
I haven’t! I know a lot of people have been reading (and recommending ) it recently!
learning from this piece: even if a man is extremely intellectual and appreciative of a woman's intelligence, doesn't mean he'd let his wife pursue work after marriage.
Yes...hopefully that is an attitude of the past...
Thank you Kate for another brilliant essay on a subject close to my heart and mind.
Ah, you're welcome! I'm glad you enjoyed reading.
This was such an amazing read. I didn't know so many things, such as her mental health at such a young age and the challenging times she had to deal with. This piece is so deep and thoughtfully written, just sheer brilliance.
❤️ 🌟
This is such an excellent analysis of the two Plath women. We hear so much about Sylvia but her mother also led a very interesting and challenging life. Thank you Kate for your equanimity and incisiveness.
I'm so glad you enjoyed it, Lucy! It was fascinating to research.
There’s so much in here that I will keep thinking about for days. Examining this old story never gets old somehow. A genius writer made by both efforts and wounds. Nurture. Guilt. Nature. Well meaning. Suppressed emotions. What is a person really, what is a creative life? I don’t know. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for engaging with the essay, Charlotta. As you reflect, so many conflicting ideas and associations. I think, researching it, I felt like I flipped between all of these ideas.
I can imagine.
Fantastic.
❤️